The trouble with coming home
Faith is unconditional. You believe or you dont.
I get angry when i play the lottery and dont win. When i actually go out, purchase a ticket, select my numbers, sit my ass in front of the screen and watch those numbers start rolling only to witness a set of unfriendly results turn up, my shock is matched only by my outrage! What kind of world would allow this?!!! For the longest time, i believed i was the only one who felt this way but it turns out Renee has the exact same reaction to this lunacy!!
I'm an Aries and she's.... well she's not.
Most say our faith is misplaced. That lotteries are just a way for you to pay to get screwed without breaking any laws. That the odds are stacked against you. During my life, i've managed to convince myself and others that i was a maths whiz in school. Nevertheless, i've always maintained that the odds are 50:50. You do or you dont. You win or you lose. If i dont go out and by a ticket, i lose. Then logically, if i DO go out and buy that lottery ticket, I should be living large come nightfall, right?
Wrong. Fucking wrong.
So what does it mean to have faith? I could never have guessed what it would be like to come back to this place or what it would mean. All some people remember about me is my crazy rants about breaking free of it all. I've been asked how come i never feel homesick but its only cos the people asking dont understand that a home is not a place. Home might be how a place makes you feel. Or people. But its got none to do with maps.
"Home is where the heart is."
They get my jokes here. I'd missed that. in fact i was downright sick of having to explain why i found funny what i find funny. Not here, though. And the hugs are warm, the smiles are genuine. They smile through their eyes. There's people here that know things about me even i dont understand. But bigger than any of this is that there's people here that have faith in who i am. Not because of any one thing. Not anything i could tell you. But its kinda like how we have faith in God: without need for proof or justification. The same way God believes in us.
No, they dont see me as their god.
This has none to do with religion. For the record, i am not affiliated with any religion. This is about faith. Someone either believes in you or they dont. Its not enough just to say it though. I've had people tell me that they'll believe in me once i make it. What?? I call these people assholes. Non believers. (What does it say about me that i call them "assholes"? You be judge.)
I've told only 2 people outside my family, adopted or otherwise, what i intend to do with my life. Their reactions were not dissimilar except for one particular aspect. Where the first one did her best to act like she believed in me, the second didnt even bother. I at least appreciate the latter's honesty.
But you dont believe in someone after they've already proven themselves.
Here, in this place i'd forgotten, there are those whose faith in me feels like home. And all i feel is guilt because i know that i had swept this part of me into a dark corner and let it turn to dust. You see, the trouble with coming home is that you realise a part of you never left. You just let yourself forget those who truly loved you. Those who never took without giving, who never laughed at your jokes insincerely or sent you forwards they'd never read. Those who criticised your wild facial hair but never shunned you in public.
You let yourself forget those who had faith in you.
Will it matter to them if i never succeed? I dont believe thats how faith works. See, as long as i still get that monthly urge to rush on down and get myself a lottery ticket and still get excited as the numbers begin to roll, it doesnt matter if i never win. I'll be outraged and i'll denounce the lottery as some trick to sucker people into losing their money but i'll know deep down that that urge will return. And when i go buy that ticket again, plop in front of that TV screen, i'll be on the edge of my seat when those numbers start rolling.
Every single time.
"The road is long and the hours many
but still i dream of home.'' - Anonymous.
I get angry when i play the lottery and dont win. When i actually go out, purchase a ticket, select my numbers, sit my ass in front of the screen and watch those numbers start rolling only to witness a set of unfriendly results turn up, my shock is matched only by my outrage! What kind of world would allow this?!!! For the longest time, i believed i was the only one who felt this way but it turns out Renee has the exact same reaction to this lunacy!!
I'm an Aries and she's.... well she's not.
Most say our faith is misplaced. That lotteries are just a way for you to pay to get screwed without breaking any laws. That the odds are stacked against you. During my life, i've managed to convince myself and others that i was a maths whiz in school. Nevertheless, i've always maintained that the odds are 50:50. You do or you dont. You win or you lose. If i dont go out and by a ticket, i lose. Then logically, if i DO go out and buy that lottery ticket, I should be living large come nightfall, right?
Wrong. Fucking wrong.
So what does it mean to have faith? I could never have guessed what it would be like to come back to this place or what it would mean. All some people remember about me is my crazy rants about breaking free of it all. I've been asked how come i never feel homesick but its only cos the people asking dont understand that a home is not a place. Home might be how a place makes you feel. Or people. But its got none to do with maps.
"Home is where the heart is."
They get my jokes here. I'd missed that. in fact i was downright sick of having to explain why i found funny what i find funny. Not here, though. And the hugs are warm, the smiles are genuine. They smile through their eyes. There's people here that know things about me even i dont understand. But bigger than any of this is that there's people here that have faith in who i am. Not because of any one thing. Not anything i could tell you. But its kinda like how we have faith in God: without need for proof or justification. The same way God believes in us.
No, they dont see me as their god.
This has none to do with religion. For the record, i am not affiliated with any religion. This is about faith. Someone either believes in you or they dont. Its not enough just to say it though. I've had people tell me that they'll believe in me once i make it. What?? I call these people assholes. Non believers. (What does it say about me that i call them "assholes"? You be judge.)
I've told only 2 people outside my family, adopted or otherwise, what i intend to do with my life. Their reactions were not dissimilar except for one particular aspect. Where the first one did her best to act like she believed in me, the second didnt even bother. I at least appreciate the latter's honesty.
But you dont believe in someone after they've already proven themselves.
Here, in this place i'd forgotten, there are those whose faith in me feels like home. And all i feel is guilt because i know that i had swept this part of me into a dark corner and let it turn to dust. You see, the trouble with coming home is that you realise a part of you never left. You just let yourself forget those who truly loved you. Those who never took without giving, who never laughed at your jokes insincerely or sent you forwards they'd never read. Those who criticised your wild facial hair but never shunned you in public.
You let yourself forget those who had faith in you.
Will it matter to them if i never succeed? I dont believe thats how faith works. See, as long as i still get that monthly urge to rush on down and get myself a lottery ticket and still get excited as the numbers begin to roll, it doesnt matter if i never win. I'll be outraged and i'll denounce the lottery as some trick to sucker people into losing their money but i'll know deep down that that urge will return. And when i go buy that ticket again, plop in front of that TV screen, i'll be on the edge of my seat when those numbers start rolling.
Every single time.
"The road is long and the hours many
but still i dream of home.'' - Anonymous.
posted by R. Wagaba at 4:55 AM
