The trouble with being crazy
"You're such a bastard!" Uh oh.... deja vu. I stealthily draw my left eyelid open: okay, no one on the left side of my hospital room. Just a bunch of heart monitors and respiration machines. Then my right eye...-
"Holy banana skins!!!" Its her.
"Dont be so dramatic," she soothingly brushes my fuzz covered cheek. I involuntarily cringe at her touch; she withdraws, hurt. "Look, Rich, if i had come here to hurt you...."
"I know, i know. Its just the after effects of the coma." Please dont ask me to explain what that means, PLEASE.
"Oh," she buys it. The last thing i want is to upset her all over again with only the two of us in the room and my body still unresponsive. How would i defend myself against Jack the ripper here if she struck again? Oh no, gotta keep her calm until i have some back up.
"Listen, baby," she's back to the loving voice of my sweet Coraline, "I.... I dont know what to say or how to begin to apologise.... what you must think of me...I...."
"Hey, no... All that is water under the bridge, honey," I have to force that last bit out. Where the hell are the nurses when you need them??? Alert, alert, alert!!
"Cant you just be honest with me, Rich? Just this one time? Please," she's getting agitated. Not good. "I stuck a knife in your chest! A kitchen knife!"
"You just went a little cra-.... i mean, things got really heavy..." Alert, alert, ALERT!
"Crazy? You can go on and say it." The sweetness is gone; this doesnt bode well for me. "Say it, just be honest and say it. For once in our relationship, just say what you really think, you bastard!"
"Hey lets calm down, honey." Nurses, hospital security...anybody?
"You lying heartless bastard!!" Her eyes are blazing a marvellous red. "Just say it! Its on the tip of your breath so just go on and say it!!"
"Crazy, Okay! You went crazy!!! There. You were fine one minute and then the next thing i knew you're this raving lunatic!!!! This crying, knife wielding stark raving mad lunatic and i am terrified of you!!!"
She's silent again, staring down on the hosipital parking lot through the window. This feels so familiar and i think i'm having a heart attack. My heart rate monitor is beeping like a horny rabbit. Where are these damn nurses?? If i could just move my left arm to hit that button....
She turns towards me, all the emotion drained from her tearless face. She reaches into her purse as she walks over to my steel cold bed. This is it.
I always thought i wasnt afraid of death. I mean, if you look at how i live or more accurately how much i dont live, how empty and shallow my existance really is.... who would even miss me? They might come to my funeral, sure, might even wear black. Wont wanna talk about me for a few days, might even cry a little. But their lives will resume. They'll watch the IT Crowd without me and laugh, they'll pig out on terrific tuesday's 2 for 1 pizzas and enjoy it. They will make love to Maxwell's Urban Hang Suite and breed envy with their telecom job promotions, paint their nails flourescent green and flex their oiled 6 packs at a beach barbecue with old high school buddies.
They will live and i wont.
...She floats over to my bedside, this angel of death, and from out of her handbag-
"Please, not like this!"
- she retrieves a tape recorder.
Wait, a tape recorder?? "What the fuck?"
"Not guilty by reason of temporary insanity." Her voice is back to that of the cherry blossom i could have fallen in love with. "You said it yourself and now i have it on tape. So if you decide to press charges and take this whole thing to court... well, you wont win."
"Wait.... what the fuck are you...?"
"I know its a really bitchy thing for me to do. But we both know i dont deserve to go to jail. I loved you, Rich, and you used me. Hurt me. I realise now that my retaliation was quite posssibly an over reaction but.... Look, i am sorry i put you in a coma. But the hurt... we share the blame."
"So you're not gonna finish me off?"
She slides the tape recorder back in the handbag i bought her for christmas. "You're gonna be fine. I met your dad downstairs on my way in and he said he's spoken to the doctors. Clearly he didnt know i was the one who put you in here. Lets keep it that way. It hasnt hit you yet what all this means but when it does, remember: you stabbed me first." She kisses me on the forehead and her lips are surprisingly warm. "Goodbye, babe."
As she walks out of my hospital room, i stare at this creature that i forged out of the loveliest girl i'd ever known. Long gone is my sweet Coraline; this new beast is capable of such cunning and craftiness. She deals in my currency now and i'm responsible for that.
"Hey, Cora," she pauses at the doorway, her hand massaging the doorway as she had once massaged me, "you wont tell anyone about the "banana skins" thing, will you?"
She smiles that gorgeous cherry red smile of hers. " I think we can both keep a secret."
And then she's gone. Out of my dimly lit room and out of my life. And the funny thing about the way life works is that it occurs to me that in all the time i had contemplated loving her, maybe i had.
Maybe i do.
"Holy banana skins!!!" Its her.
"Dont be so dramatic," she soothingly brushes my fuzz covered cheek. I involuntarily cringe at her touch; she withdraws, hurt. "Look, Rich, if i had come here to hurt you...."
"I know, i know. Its just the after effects of the coma." Please dont ask me to explain what that means, PLEASE.
"Oh," she buys it. The last thing i want is to upset her all over again with only the two of us in the room and my body still unresponsive. How would i defend myself against Jack the ripper here if she struck again? Oh no, gotta keep her calm until i have some back up.
"Listen, baby," she's back to the loving voice of my sweet Coraline, "I.... I dont know what to say or how to begin to apologise.... what you must think of me...I...."
"Hey, no... All that is water under the bridge, honey," I have to force that last bit out. Where the hell are the nurses when you need them??? Alert, alert, alert!!
"Cant you just be honest with me, Rich? Just this one time? Please," she's getting agitated. Not good. "I stuck a knife in your chest! A kitchen knife!"
"You just went a little cra-.... i mean, things got really heavy..." Alert, alert, ALERT!
"Crazy? You can go on and say it." The sweetness is gone; this doesnt bode well for me. "Say it, just be honest and say it. For once in our relationship, just say what you really think, you bastard!"
"Hey lets calm down, honey." Nurses, hospital security...anybody?
"You lying heartless bastard!!" Her eyes are blazing a marvellous red. "Just say it! Its on the tip of your breath so just go on and say it!!"
"Crazy, Okay! You went crazy!!! There. You were fine one minute and then the next thing i knew you're this raving lunatic!!!! This crying, knife wielding stark raving mad lunatic and i am terrified of you!!!"
She's silent again, staring down on the hosipital parking lot through the window. This feels so familiar and i think i'm having a heart attack. My heart rate monitor is beeping like a horny rabbit. Where are these damn nurses?? If i could just move my left arm to hit that button....
She turns towards me, all the emotion drained from her tearless face. She reaches into her purse as she walks over to my steel cold bed. This is it.
I always thought i wasnt afraid of death. I mean, if you look at how i live or more accurately how much i dont live, how empty and shallow my existance really is.... who would even miss me? They might come to my funeral, sure, might even wear black. Wont wanna talk about me for a few days, might even cry a little. But their lives will resume. They'll watch the IT Crowd without me and laugh, they'll pig out on terrific tuesday's 2 for 1 pizzas and enjoy it. They will make love to Maxwell's Urban Hang Suite and breed envy with their telecom job promotions, paint their nails flourescent green and flex their oiled 6 packs at a beach barbecue with old high school buddies.
They will live and i wont.
...She floats over to my bedside, this angel of death, and from out of her handbag-
"Please, not like this!"
- she retrieves a tape recorder.
Wait, a tape recorder?? "What the fuck?"
"Not guilty by reason of temporary insanity." Her voice is back to that of the cherry blossom i could have fallen in love with. "You said it yourself and now i have it on tape. So if you decide to press charges and take this whole thing to court... well, you wont win."
"Wait.... what the fuck are you...?"
"I know its a really bitchy thing for me to do. But we both know i dont deserve to go to jail. I loved you, Rich, and you used me. Hurt me. I realise now that my retaliation was quite posssibly an over reaction but.... Look, i am sorry i put you in a coma. But the hurt... we share the blame."
"So you're not gonna finish me off?"
She slides the tape recorder back in the handbag i bought her for christmas. "You're gonna be fine. I met your dad downstairs on my way in and he said he's spoken to the doctors. Clearly he didnt know i was the one who put you in here. Lets keep it that way. It hasnt hit you yet what all this means but when it does, remember: you stabbed me first." She kisses me on the forehead and her lips are surprisingly warm. "Goodbye, babe."
As she walks out of my hospital room, i stare at this creature that i forged out of the loveliest girl i'd ever known. Long gone is my sweet Coraline; this new beast is capable of such cunning and craftiness. She deals in my currency now and i'm responsible for that.
"Hey, Cora," she pauses at the doorway, her hand massaging the doorway as she had once massaged me, "you wont tell anyone about the "banana skins" thing, will you?"
She smiles that gorgeous cherry red smile of hers. " I think we can both keep a secret."
And then she's gone. Out of my dimly lit room and out of my life. And the funny thing about the way life works is that it occurs to me that in all the time i had contemplated loving her, maybe i had.
Maybe i do.
posted by R. Wagaba at 1:57 AM
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