The trouble with new year's resolutions.

I met someone. Well we didnt actually meet and in the end, it may not have been as significant as i intially thought it was, but i guess i should i start from the beginning.

New Year's Eve 2006: i had managed to squirm my way out of spending New Year's with my family. It's not because i dont love them which i do. But every holiday is the same sequence of events: "we're not going to do anything", " i wish we could do something no matter how small", "we're doing a small thing but invivting just family members","... and close firends", "...and not so close friends", "...and generally anyone who's not doing anything else", "...plus some of those who already had plans but who we'll now ask to cancel those plans so they can attend our shindig." You get the idea. What follows is a mosaic of awkward unpleasentness and neverending boredom smothered in desperate anguish topped off with persistent irritation. Fortuantely for me, i dont celebrate any of the major holidays for one reason or the other. But New Year's is mine, my one day to let myself get lost in the public euphoria.

Anyway, this year i got away from my family and was over at a slow moving party helping an "uncle" of mine dj. Really i was just watching him; all i did was lift the speakers and endless trunks of music, he carries about 5,000 cds to each gig he plays. It was a fun night, a few interesting people, or people that seemed interesting. I hardly talked to anyone there (surprise, surprise) but still managed to have a good time.Great food, open bar for the djs ( that included me). Got to dj abit at the end, about 5.30 am when only the people that were too drunk to leave were still there. And i made my new year's resolution as i do ever year. It's not a very sensible ritual as you really shouldnt wait till the turn of the year to improve your life but there you go, i still do that. So my vow this year was to pick my life up out of the gutter i'd abandoned it in. Very simple.

For the most part, i've stuck to that resolution. I usually do cos i make my resolutions pretty general and easy to stick to. Last year it was "keep it real." I've had atleast one paying job this year, even though it was for a month, and i'm restarting my classes in a while, slowly getting myself onto some kind of path to somewhere. I think the long break i took off from being part of the living world has done me alot of good in that i have a better understanding of what's important to me and what really isnt. I've learned to prioritise and compromise. I cant think of 2 greater tools for getting by. You'd be surprised how much you can get accomplisehd by implementing these 2 keys into your life. Try it.

I realise now this has almost nothing to do with the person i met. Like i said, we didnt actually meet but we bumped into each other on the net. The only reason it's worth talking about is that for the first time in a while, i actually looked forward to talking to someone. I found myself waking up in the middle of the night to check if she was online cos she's in a different time zone cos i really enjoy talking to her. There's alotta people that open their mouths and make alot of noise but dont say anything. I like the fact that She actually has something to say, something that's not quite been said before.

Perhaps one of the saddest thing i ever head was this guy on TV that was trying to demonstrate the death of originality. He said that in Germany or some place, they have a competition where you're asked to prepare 16 bars of original music and that in all it's years, no one has ever managed to produce a combination of 16 bars that's never been played and recorded. I might have the figures wrong or the story, but the gist of it was that everything that is, already has been. It got me wondering if i could muster up an original thought, something that no one in the history of time has ever thought about and eventually i succeeded. I wont share it cos it doenst matter what i thought about but that i did think abut something no one ever had. how can i be sure? It's just one of those things you know, you know?

So talking to this girl, i felt kinda alive, a little bit happier than usual. It was as if we'd known each other for ages and we shared things i'm pretty sure neither of us had shared with anyone else. That kind of thing is easier with strangers that are not directly attached to your daily life. It felt great waking up looking forward to an offline message or something to that effect. I dont know, maybe it's died down now that we know each other abit better. I still look forward to running into her, i'm just not losing sleep over the fact that we didnt talk today.

And that's alright. I dont mind feeling dead inside most of the time; it's enough to know that its still possibe for me to feel alive every once in a while.