The trouble with reclusiveness

The other day my friend said to me, "Man you need a life. You need to get out there and make friends." I wanted to punch his teeth out, drag him in the mud and run him over with a 4*4 pick-up truck. Not because he had no right to size me up like that. Not because he sounded exactly like my mom when he said it.I wanted to puch his lights out because he was right.

No one wants to be alone.

And no one should be. No one should have to be or choose to be. It's the natural order of things. Actually you know another reason why i don't believe the Bible. Lord knows i love Him, but according to the Bible, it wasnt until Adam grew lonely that God, after having created EVERY other single creature in pairs realised that maybe he should do the same for man. Really.... doesnt God deserve abit more credit than this? Christians, i aint looking for a war but i've been prepared for one all my life. A war of words, that is. And no fucking bad words, okay? Other than that, bring it on!

I wonder if the reason i believe in aliens is that i need to believe in the possiblity that the reason i'm having such trouble with having actual friends as opposed to internet buddies and long distance correspondences here on earth is that i'm actually from another planet. There's this comedian who was telling a joke that started off asking people to raise their hands if they had more than 10 friends. The punchline was, "if you're raising your hand and you're over 35, you know you're counting co-workers!" The joke wasnt funny and i've ruined it. but that's not it; i used to have friends. I still have a few friends and these are the best kind of friends cos they dont want anything from me. i've taken a time-out on my life for the past 3 years and it's done me loads of good. I'm more spiritually sound than is thought to be possible. But it's cost alot of time during which i could have formed serious bonds with people. I have slowly but surely become some kind of recluse. It kinda crept up on me but i realised it for sure last weekend.

My mom had thrown a kind of traditional/ family gathering and there was quite a few people there. I usually hate these things cos it means alot of work no one is gonna appreciate and real exhaustion in the aftermath. Atleast i thought that's why i hated them. But on this particular day, i was just sitting there next to my only real friend at the "party" and he was working the audience with his charm and charisma, telling one funny story after another. I looked around and watched these people's faces as they responded to him and i suddenly felt disgusted to be there. It was the wierdest thing. I instantly hated those people for loving my friend and his jokes. I felt suffocated by all their smiles and just had to exit ASAP. It wasnt the local music or the fatigue that i hated about these shindigs. It was the people. And not just at the shindigs, but people anywhere and everywhere. I dont know why.

So i guess the trouble with reclusiveness is you're so concerned about being alone that you dont get to appreciate BEING alone.

"We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.”- Orson Welles.