The trouble with having it bad.

Cupid sure has gotten lazy. I'll be real: in the past, i could literally feel the tip of his arrow going through my chest every 2 minutes. Each time i saw a beautiful smile. I had a crush a minute. It was insane. No wonder i flunked out of high school. That shit was serious, it was impossible for me to concentrate on supply and demand charts when She was seated next to me, ooozing with charm and beauty. And She was 12 different ladies in my pen-ultimate year of secondary school. i didnt go out with any of them, never ever fessed up that i was head over heals for them. I was such a scared kid.

And it wasnt puppy love. No, when i had a crush on somebody, it was embarassing. I am the epitome of the hopeless romantic with everything from corny poems to serenading. To be fair, i actually can sing, you know, i hold a tune fairly well. But that shit is embarassing. And it hits hard when it hits, right? Its not something you can help or something you can ignore...once it's in you, you just gotta wait it out like an un-identified fever. And these were beautiful girls, regal even. Way outta my league. I knew it but it didnt matter. It never does matter when a thing like this happens. Logic doesnt even begin to come into it.

Those were some seriously trippy days. It'd be like 5 shitty days and then one really great one where She cut the economics class to chill with me on a hot afternoon in the library. just talking, laughing, baring our souls to each other. The special days: when She told me something you know She hadnt told anybody else or when She just grabbed my hand, without even knowing it, and just stayed holding it for the longest time, totally unaware. That level of comfort and closeness that developed. And sometimes i'd think , "Fuck it, i'ma just tell her and to hell with what happens." And i'm thinking of all the "obvious" signals she's been sending me, the unsolicited flirting. it cant all be in my head. Then my trusted homie says, "man, when you're in love, you see what you want to see." So i'm riddled with doubt and never make a move.

There was this one girl, my "you got it bad" girl, i was insane about and she knew it and knew that i knew that she knew. Even though neither of us had put it out there. And sometimes, man, i knew she liked me, like was seriously in to me but i was such a punk i couldnt speak up. This one day, Valentine's day which in school wasnt a big thing(!), we somehow spent the whole day together doing all sorts of stuff from playing basketball to her whooping my ass in chess. And just sitting around talking and chilling. That evening, i was ready to tell her. i was set. Just needed a little boost from my homie, just to man me up a little. And he tells me that "you see what you wanna see" bullshit. I chickened out. Nothing ever happened with my "you got it bad" girl. We ended up great friends.

A while ago, we were playing truth or dare 21, great game, and she tells me she had the hugest crush on me back in the day and how she almost told me. What's worse, she actually confided in my homie and told him this at the time but, for whatever reason, he didnt ever tell me!!

She's getting married in July to a real nice guy. Nice going, Cupid. Great job!!