The trouble with being a hippie.
DC is my hippie.
Nothing had me more anxious about my return than the possibility of my friends having outgrown me. In some cases, that did come to pass, or the vice versa. Well, in one case mainly as its the only one i feel bad about. My adopted brother. To see how far apart we've grown does sadden me somewhat but time will tell.
But DC is still my hippie. How perfect life would be if we could just go on and fall in love with each other! If i could feel for her the way i felt for She. That would be game, set and match right there. To fall in love with my best friend. But life always has to be a tricky little fucker, doesn't it? Cant give it to you easy!
We've all felt like aliens at some point, like something about who we are is fundamentally different from the rest of this planet's population. Like we dont belong. We've all felt like that, right? No? Well fuck you if you haven't, you're fucking weird! i have and sometimes still do. Only it has recently morphed from alien life form to aging hippie. My big sister would have you believe that its got to do with astrological signs but i dont know about that.
Why do i always have to have it my way even when the freeway is FREE?
Why am i so obstinate about things i only half believe in? Why cant i stand rules and/or discipline? Why do i have to question everything before i accept it? Why do i still refuse to accept things that have been proven beyond the shadow of a doubt like the lunar landing or country music?
How did i miss out on my revolution?
Dc is my heart. I've said that before but only recently did i come to understand it. Only she has me figured out even better than i know myself and she doesnt even realise it. I have an ex-girlfriend and a mother who would pay to be in that position. Well, 2 if you count She. Did you ever wonder what if those tall dark and mysterious men were only that way not because they were trying to be sexy but because of evolution, a deep seeded love for chocolate ice cream and spectacular failure to unlock said mystery?
Yes, i just attributed darkness to an insatiable desire for chocolate ice cream.
You wouldnt believe how overjoyed she was to see me. Well 'overjoyed" kinda says it all, doesnt it? But it was more than that. She didnt believe me at first but when it hit home that i was in town, she damn near jumped through that phone to give me a hug! That brought me home. That made this entire trip worth it.
See, DC makes me happy for reasons and in ways i cant explain. And what's unique here is that i have the very same effect on her. There are ways in which our minds are in sync, not quite finishing each other's sentences off but she's down to ride with my wildest ideas. We have a connection that i'm worried i will never be able to share with whoever i fall in love or falls in love with me.
The last time i saw She, it occurred to me that whereas before, thats the only place i wanted to be was with her, it wasnt like that. Not that day. No, i wasnt wishing i was with DC either. But it didnt break my heart for us to part. Sitting there across...well kinda next to her, watching her stress over some family issues and not being able to do a thing to help her, i felt impotent. Not sexually( hell i was hornier than a Nairobi fly!). I just felt less of a man for being less than what she needed. When i left her that day, or she left me, i realised that there was too much history between us and not enough chemistry.
Of course this didnt sink in for 2 weeks.
I met someone recently who i can say has helped me realise where i want to be and its not how i'm living. She's not a rebound. I'm not in love. Yet. I just love being around her if only because i dont have to try so much. In fact i dont have to try at all. I am enough the way i am, and she seems to feel good when i'm around her and that feels great. It just works, being with her. No, we dont have a DC connection and i dont feel about her the way i felt about She. This is just a friend.
But why dont DC and i just get married? We've both mentioned it as has the rest of the world. The answer is quite simple: we are both romantics and the key to romanticism is total disregard for logic and common sense. At the end of the day, neither of us just wants to settle for each other because we both know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Now that i know how it feels to be so gone over someone that i would risk totally ruining myself, i cant unlearn what that feels like and i cant settle for simply being with someone who makes me happy, nay, jubilant and understands me. I cant just play it safe. It wouldnt be fair to either of us even though it would probably be happier and certainly easier.
Oh i get where you're coming from on this one, Cupid. And i'm with you.
Its that the trouble with being a hippie is that the world is full of squares and they constantly invite you to their parties so they can "civilise" you, make you one of them. And they might be right. But i want to risk destruction and ruin because i now know what it could feel like.
ps; for the astrology buffs out there, DC and i are both of the same sign. Coincidence? You tell me.
Nothing had me more anxious about my return than the possibility of my friends having outgrown me. In some cases, that did come to pass, or the vice versa. Well, in one case mainly as its the only one i feel bad about. My adopted brother. To see how far apart we've grown does sadden me somewhat but time will tell.
But DC is still my hippie. How perfect life would be if we could just go on and fall in love with each other! If i could feel for her the way i felt for She. That would be game, set and match right there. To fall in love with my best friend. But life always has to be a tricky little fucker, doesn't it? Cant give it to you easy!
We've all felt like aliens at some point, like something about who we are is fundamentally different from the rest of this planet's population. Like we dont belong. We've all felt like that, right? No? Well fuck you if you haven't, you're fucking weird! i have and sometimes still do. Only it has recently morphed from alien life form to aging hippie. My big sister would have you believe that its got to do with astrological signs but i dont know about that.
Why do i always have to have it my way even when the freeway is FREE?
Why am i so obstinate about things i only half believe in? Why cant i stand rules and/or discipline? Why do i have to question everything before i accept it? Why do i still refuse to accept things that have been proven beyond the shadow of a doubt like the lunar landing or country music?
How did i miss out on my revolution?
Dc is my heart. I've said that before but only recently did i come to understand it. Only she has me figured out even better than i know myself and she doesnt even realise it. I have an ex-girlfriend and a mother who would pay to be in that position. Well, 2 if you count She. Did you ever wonder what if those tall dark and mysterious men were only that way not because they were trying to be sexy but because of evolution, a deep seeded love for chocolate ice cream and spectacular failure to unlock said mystery?
Yes, i just attributed darkness to an insatiable desire for chocolate ice cream.
You wouldnt believe how overjoyed she was to see me. Well 'overjoyed" kinda says it all, doesnt it? But it was more than that. She didnt believe me at first but when it hit home that i was in town, she damn near jumped through that phone to give me a hug! That brought me home. That made this entire trip worth it.
See, DC makes me happy for reasons and in ways i cant explain. And what's unique here is that i have the very same effect on her. There are ways in which our minds are in sync, not quite finishing each other's sentences off but she's down to ride with my wildest ideas. We have a connection that i'm worried i will never be able to share with whoever i fall in love or falls in love with me.
The last time i saw She, it occurred to me that whereas before, thats the only place i wanted to be was with her, it wasnt like that. Not that day. No, i wasnt wishing i was with DC either. But it didnt break my heart for us to part. Sitting there across...well kinda next to her, watching her stress over some family issues and not being able to do a thing to help her, i felt impotent. Not sexually( hell i was hornier than a Nairobi fly!). I just felt less of a man for being less than what she needed. When i left her that day, or she left me, i realised that there was too much history between us and not enough chemistry.
Of course this didnt sink in for 2 weeks.
I met someone recently who i can say has helped me realise where i want to be and its not how i'm living. She's not a rebound. I'm not in love. Yet. I just love being around her if only because i dont have to try so much. In fact i dont have to try at all. I am enough the way i am, and she seems to feel good when i'm around her and that feels great. It just works, being with her. No, we dont have a DC connection and i dont feel about her the way i felt about She. This is just a friend.
But why dont DC and i just get married? We've both mentioned it as has the rest of the world. The answer is quite simple: we are both romantics and the key to romanticism is total disregard for logic and common sense. At the end of the day, neither of us just wants to settle for each other because we both know the difference between loving someone and being in love with them. Now that i know how it feels to be so gone over someone that i would risk totally ruining myself, i cant unlearn what that feels like and i cant settle for simply being with someone who makes me happy, nay, jubilant and understands me. I cant just play it safe. It wouldnt be fair to either of us even though it would probably be happier and certainly easier.
Oh i get where you're coming from on this one, Cupid. And i'm with you.
Its that the trouble with being a hippie is that the world is full of squares and they constantly invite you to their parties so they can "civilise" you, make you one of them. And they might be right. But i want to risk destruction and ruin because i now know what it could feel like.
ps; for the astrology buffs out there, DC and i are both of the same sign. Coincidence? You tell me.
posted by R. Wagaba at 5:44 AM
