The trouble with not staring at the cleaveage.
She's got something wedged in her teeth. Hmmm... Now there's a lot of things a barely employed bachelor who's got a lifetime subscription to pubic transportation is willing to put up with to have some sex with a person who's not his right hand, but you gotta draw the line at some point. Really. Only, how do i tell her without being insensitive? Not cos i kind of like her unintended humour but more cos i've worn my palms raw with self-love and i cant afford a blow-up doll. Alright, focus: the sensitive approach. C'mon, think!
"Your teeth... yuck!" Wow, that sounded much less barbaric in my head. And i'm pointing... why am i pointing???
"What? Have i got something...? oh, this is really embarrassing!" She almost knocks over my drink dashing for the toothpicks and starts clawing away at her teeth like she's dueling with a sword.
"I think the bathroom's through the back there," I'm still pointing.
"Oh, no... what if someone sees it before i get there?" She claws away. What a selfish bitch! What about me who has to sit across from her and see it now?? Some people.... only thinking of themselves!
"Ah, dont worry..." shit!!! uh... name, name, name, "...beautiful. They'll all be staring at your ass anyways." I'm not sure why she laughs at that but i'm too busy high-fiving myself for that close save. "No, to the left... your other left.... thats right... wow, thats a pretty huge chunk of.... what part of the meal was that?"
"Oh, Rich! Will you stop being silly and help me out?" (Silly?) "There did i get it? I felt... Did i get... oh, you know what? You are no help at all!" Shielding her mouth like she's hiding weapons of mass destruction, she scurries off to the bathroom. I gotta give it to her, though. She sure knows how to shake what her momma gave-
"Is everything to your liking, sir?" Oh oh... boobs. See, this has been torturing me all night! These 2 bountiful bullies, these 2 divinely crafted , heavenly inspired, beach volleyball sized, raisin... yes, probably raisin nippled-
"Boobies." Uh oh.
"Pardon me, sir?"
"Huh? ...what?" In times of danger, deny everything and act dumb!
"I'm sorry i thought i heard you say... boobies." She's a minx this one, i can tell by her playful and almost suggestive grin that she knows exactly what i said and exactly why i said it.
"Well i didnt." I cant do this. I'm on a date with this lovely girl- for god's sake what is her name???- and i cant be flirting with the waitress no matter how appealing they are. I mean she. No matter how appealing she is. I gotta keep it together. "I said 'rubies'."
"Wow, now that's one more euphemism i need explained to me," she's clearing the table, bending further over, dramatically languishing about the harder to reach areas. She knows exactly what she's doing, this one. "Have you made your selection for desert or would you prefer...," bends forward, they're facing me dead in the eye, taunting me," something off the menu?"
"Aw c'mon, lady, thats not playing fair!!" I take a wild sip of my generic brand non-alcoholic wine like i'm an extra in a 50's diner-set melodrama. "Look, honey, this here is bigger than the both of us."
"What are you on about, mister?"
"When i walked into this joint and gazed over at you by the bar through the smoke filled crowd, heard the swell of the piano man's crescendo, well i realised nothing i knew before that moment counted for a damn."
"Well go on, tell it, " she's playing along now and the rest of the dinner room just fades into the night as i lost myself in the playfulness of her eyes and steady rise of her bosom. "Tell me how it ends."
I reach for her hand and feel what i have only seen simulated in some of the corniest movies ever made, heard belted out in the countriest of country songs: not love. No, you cant fall in love with someone you haven't known for more than an hour. But here in her hand, in her eyes, in those ginormous gigabytes of hers i feel the potential to be absolutely lovestoned by this vixen. What the cynics wont live up to is that even though it never happens as its sold in those cool Coca-cola advertisements, love does strike even though its usually at the most inconvenient-
"Oh, and your date returns, " she withdraws her angelic hand, holding eye contact for a second extra as the restaurant regrettably re-emerges. "Hey, at least we'll always have-"
"No! You cant leave yet!" If i let her go then everything i've been upto this point has been a front and worst of all, i'll be proving those damn cynics right. I cant let that happen. "I'm gonna call you tonight, just write your-"
"Are you crazy? You're on a date with another woman and you think-"
"Dont act like this was all in my head. Look, just give me your number and if you want you can go file for sexual harrassment afterwards." I sound almost desperate but i cant let this one get away. And it not just her awe inspiring rack. Sex is the farthest thing from my mind right now. 3rd farthest thing. Okay, 7th... but its not the number one thing on my mind.
She's thinking about it but in retrospect, i think she always knew she was going to jot that number down on her little pad. I might have thought i was in control of that situation but i've come to realise that we rarely are. Oh they'll let us act like we're steering things but we never stop to wonder how we always end up exactly where they want us.
"Hey honey, sorry i took ages." Oh, the other one's back. I'm through trying to recall her name. Yes, its a little cruel of me but some things are bigger than myself, i think." Is she taking our dessert orders?"
"No, apparently everything here sucks, "Gorgeous laughs as she struggles with her pen, wrestling to get it to work. And right then, the most incredible thing i have ever seen happens. She lifts her foot to her side- she's wearing black tennis shoes, slender delicate looking feet, no i dont have a fetish- anyways, she raises her foot to her side, lowers her insolent pen to the sole of her shoes and scribbles a bit, then lifts it back to her notepad and writes. It's working fine now.
I am awestruck by this creature. She is Xena, Warrior Princess, she is Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs, she is Lara Croft: Tomb Raider right now! She rips the sheet off and hands it to me, her smile radiating across the entire room and i wonder what other breathtaking magic tricks this goddess is capable of.
"Whats that?" asks the other one. Why am i here with her? I contemplate just telling her the truth to save us both the lies and unreturned calls to follow but Gorgeous steps in.
"It seems he really enjoyed our wine selection so i just wrote down a couple of good years for him to look up." She is too perfect to be real. "Well enjoy the rest of your evening and hope to see you again soon, " she means just me but adds, "back here in our lovely restaurant."
She walks off back to...well wherever they go when they're not taking our orders. Into that hidden dimension of waiters... well, waiting. The waitress who took the order of my heart. Yuck... i almost choke on my own vomit form that last line but the sentiment is real. Can it be real, that mysterious and oh so wonderful, pulsating-
"That was weird," the other one speaks. I cant wait to drop her off in her lair and be rid of her. "A big breasted waitress and you didnt even glance at her cleavage? Not once? I dont believe it!"
"You've still got some stuck in there, lady," Hey, its the only way i can think of to shut her up. That doesnt mean i'm all misogynist. She pulls out her portable reflective surface and examines her entire jawline for foreign objects as i pour over my little note from the magical fantastic beauty. I feel like a 12 year old kid reading an explicit note passed around illegally in class. Below her number it says:
"Expect a call from my lawyers on
that sexual harassment thing. And
stop staring at women's breasts,
Coraline.
p.s. my friends call me Cherry.
You can call me... whatever, just
call me tonight."
Then a smiley face.
I have a smile on my face, too. And thats how i met my sweet Coraline, the femme fatale i didnt realise i was in love with until after she stabbed me.
"Your teeth... yuck!" Wow, that sounded much less barbaric in my head. And i'm pointing... why am i pointing???
"What? Have i got something...? oh, this is really embarrassing!" She almost knocks over my drink dashing for the toothpicks and starts clawing away at her teeth like she's dueling with a sword.
"I think the bathroom's through the back there," I'm still pointing.
"Oh, no... what if someone sees it before i get there?" She claws away. What a selfish bitch! What about me who has to sit across from her and see it now?? Some people.... only thinking of themselves!
"Ah, dont worry..." shit!!! uh... name, name, name, "...beautiful. They'll all be staring at your ass anyways." I'm not sure why she laughs at that but i'm too busy high-fiving myself for that close save. "No, to the left... your other left.... thats right... wow, thats a pretty huge chunk of.... what part of the meal was that?"
"Oh, Rich! Will you stop being silly and help me out?" (Silly?) "There did i get it? I felt... Did i get... oh, you know what? You are no help at all!" Shielding her mouth like she's hiding weapons of mass destruction, she scurries off to the bathroom. I gotta give it to her, though. She sure knows how to shake what her momma gave-
"Is everything to your liking, sir?" Oh oh... boobs. See, this has been torturing me all night! These 2 bountiful bullies, these 2 divinely crafted , heavenly inspired, beach volleyball sized, raisin... yes, probably raisin nippled-
"Boobies." Uh oh.
"Pardon me, sir?"
"Huh? ...what?" In times of danger, deny everything and act dumb!
"I'm sorry i thought i heard you say... boobies." She's a minx this one, i can tell by her playful and almost suggestive grin that she knows exactly what i said and exactly why i said it.
"Well i didnt." I cant do this. I'm on a date with this lovely girl- for god's sake what is her name???- and i cant be flirting with the waitress no matter how appealing they are. I mean she. No matter how appealing she is. I gotta keep it together. "I said 'rubies'."
"Wow, now that's one more euphemism i need explained to me," she's clearing the table, bending further over, dramatically languishing about the harder to reach areas. She knows exactly what she's doing, this one. "Have you made your selection for desert or would you prefer...," bends forward, they're facing me dead in the eye, taunting me," something off the menu?"
"Aw c'mon, lady, thats not playing fair!!" I take a wild sip of my generic brand non-alcoholic wine like i'm an extra in a 50's diner-set melodrama. "Look, honey, this here is bigger than the both of us."
"What are you on about, mister?"
"When i walked into this joint and gazed over at you by the bar through the smoke filled crowd, heard the swell of the piano man's crescendo, well i realised nothing i knew before that moment counted for a damn."
"Well go on, tell it, " she's playing along now and the rest of the dinner room just fades into the night as i lost myself in the playfulness of her eyes and steady rise of her bosom. "Tell me how it ends."
I reach for her hand and feel what i have only seen simulated in some of the corniest movies ever made, heard belted out in the countriest of country songs: not love. No, you cant fall in love with someone you haven't known for more than an hour. But here in her hand, in her eyes, in those ginormous gigabytes of hers i feel the potential to be absolutely lovestoned by this vixen. What the cynics wont live up to is that even though it never happens as its sold in those cool Coca-cola advertisements, love does strike even though its usually at the most inconvenient-
"Oh, and your date returns, " she withdraws her angelic hand, holding eye contact for a second extra as the restaurant regrettably re-emerges. "Hey, at least we'll always have-"
"No! You cant leave yet!" If i let her go then everything i've been upto this point has been a front and worst of all, i'll be proving those damn cynics right. I cant let that happen. "I'm gonna call you tonight, just write your-"
"Are you crazy? You're on a date with another woman and you think-"
"Dont act like this was all in my head. Look, just give me your number and if you want you can go file for sexual harrassment afterwards." I sound almost desperate but i cant let this one get away. And it not just her awe inspiring rack. Sex is the farthest thing from my mind right now. 3rd farthest thing. Okay, 7th... but its not the number one thing on my mind.
She's thinking about it but in retrospect, i think she always knew she was going to jot that number down on her little pad. I might have thought i was in control of that situation but i've come to realise that we rarely are. Oh they'll let us act like we're steering things but we never stop to wonder how we always end up exactly where they want us.
"Hey honey, sorry i took ages." Oh, the other one's back. I'm through trying to recall her name. Yes, its a little cruel of me but some things are bigger than myself, i think." Is she taking our dessert orders?"
"No, apparently everything here sucks, "Gorgeous laughs as she struggles with her pen, wrestling to get it to work. And right then, the most incredible thing i have ever seen happens. She lifts her foot to her side- she's wearing black tennis shoes, slender delicate looking feet, no i dont have a fetish- anyways, she raises her foot to her side, lowers her insolent pen to the sole of her shoes and scribbles a bit, then lifts it back to her notepad and writes. It's working fine now.
I am awestruck by this creature. She is Xena, Warrior Princess, she is Jodie Foster in Silence of the Lambs, she is Lara Croft: Tomb Raider right now! She rips the sheet off and hands it to me, her smile radiating across the entire room and i wonder what other breathtaking magic tricks this goddess is capable of.
"Whats that?" asks the other one. Why am i here with her? I contemplate just telling her the truth to save us both the lies and unreturned calls to follow but Gorgeous steps in.
"It seems he really enjoyed our wine selection so i just wrote down a couple of good years for him to look up." She is too perfect to be real. "Well enjoy the rest of your evening and hope to see you again soon, " she means just me but adds, "back here in our lovely restaurant."
She walks off back to...well wherever they go when they're not taking our orders. Into that hidden dimension of waiters... well, waiting. The waitress who took the order of my heart. Yuck... i almost choke on my own vomit form that last line but the sentiment is real. Can it be real, that mysterious and oh so wonderful, pulsating-
"That was weird," the other one speaks. I cant wait to drop her off in her lair and be rid of her. "A big breasted waitress and you didnt even glance at her cleavage? Not once? I dont believe it!"
"You've still got some stuck in there, lady," Hey, its the only way i can think of to shut her up. That doesnt mean i'm all misogynist. She pulls out her portable reflective surface and examines her entire jawline for foreign objects as i pour over my little note from the magical fantastic beauty. I feel like a 12 year old kid reading an explicit note passed around illegally in class. Below her number it says:
"Expect a call from my lawyers on
that sexual harassment thing. And
stop staring at women's breasts,
Coraline.
p.s. my friends call me Cherry.
You can call me... whatever, just
call me tonight."
Then a smiley face.
I have a smile on my face, too. And thats how i met my sweet Coraline, the femme fatale i didnt realise i was in love with until after she stabbed me.
posted by R. Wagaba at 10:54 AM
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